how to pick your lifelong korean baseball team

post number nineteen

I saw an important Tweet this morning.

What’s going on? For starters, the KBO is the Korean Baseball Organization. And starting May 5 (tomorrow), their season will begin (in stadiums without fans). Today, it was announced that ESPN will be airing some of their games.

As a lifelong tennis player, the times for these games excite me. An important part of my life is watching the Australian Open in the middle of the night/early in the morning, much like these KBO games. But why would anyone subject themselves to that? Answer: because sports are amazing.

In her Tweet, The Atlantic writer Amanda Mull (who is Georgia native) gets to the foundation of my excitement. As an Atlanta sports fan, part of our life sentence is the act of “becoming deeply emotionally invested” in a team, while knowing that our unwavering allegiance will ultimately curse the new team for decades to come.

Much like picking a Premier League team, the decision of which KBO team one rides for is forever. You can’t just like Liverpool for a year and then decide you’re a Chelsea fan. The same goes for teams like the Hanwha Eagles and the Lotte Giants — once you’ve decided, you’re in for life.

So how to pick a KBO team? Let me help.

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For starters, there are 10 teams in the league.

No, you aren’t reading that wrong — the KBO has Lions, Tigers, and Bears.

The KBO only having 10 teams is a great situation for those who love the delusional prospect of success and happiness. The MLB has 30 teams, but with the KBO, you’ve got a 10% chance of making the right decision.

Let’s narrow it down further. Four important questions to ask yourself.

Question 1: Is it important that you see them play this week on ESPN?

Question 2: Could you stomach repping a team that’s already an MLB mascot?

Question 3: Are you fashion?

Question 4: Are you interested in an insanely cool mascot?

You’ll notice that none of these have anything to do with the team’s players, ownership, or history. Because none of that will help you make the right decisions. Trust me. (But after you pick a team, you should learn about all the other teams, to see how right or wrong your decision was).

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Is it important that you see them play this week on ESPN?

Of the 10 teams, only 5 are being televised on ESPN this week: Doosan Bears, KIA Tigers, LG Twins, NC Dinos, Samsung Lions.

Could you stomach repping a team that’s already an MLB mascot?

If you can’t, then the KIA Tigers, LG Twins, and Lotte Giants are out (unless, of course, you live in Detroit, Minnesota or San Francisco). For me, I might also lump in NFL rivals, which would eliminate the Hanwha Eagles (I have no true ill will toward the Chicago Bears or the Detroit Lions, so for now — Doosan and Samsung are allowed).

Do you care about fashion?

If your answer is “arguably more than baseball,” then it’s time to start looking at these jerseys.

Most, I’m not mad at. Like the Kiwoom Heroes:

A few, however — straight trash.

Gross. Please, please do your Google Image research before picking your team.

Finally, THAT MASCOT

This video is from 2013, but still tells me everything I need to know about the KBO mascot hierarchy.

So there it is. 100 percent of the information you need to consider when picking your lifelong KBO franchise. I highly recommend doing this. But in case you want to follow my lead (I highly recommend not doing that, because, again, #curse), this is how I picked my team.

Question 1: Is it important that you see them play this week on ESPN?

At first I thought it was yes, because I’m so excited to start cheering, but after further consideration, no. It’d be nice to watch them this week, but I’d rather not make a lifelong decision based on ESPN’s television scheduling.

[All 10 teams still available]

Question 2: Could you stomach repping a team that’s already an MLB mascot?

Absolutely not. And not just MLB teams, the same goes for other NFL, NBA, and WNBA teams (I’m not including hockey, because Atlanta doesn’t have a hockey team, again).

[Still available: Kiwoom Heroes, NC Dinos, SK Wyverns, and KT Wiz (I almost banned them, because of the Washington Wizards, but then I remembered they aren’t a real NBA franchise anymore I think).]

Question 3: Do you care about fashion?

Of course I do, which unfortunately eliminates the NC Dinos. I mean, just tragic uniforms.

Also, I’m re-eliminating the KT Wiz. Apparently, the Washington Wizards ARE still an NBA team. Go figure.

[Still available: Kiwoom Heroes and SK Wyverns.]

Question 4: Are you interested in an insane mascot?

I don’t know what a Wyvern is and I don’t plan on ever learning, BECAUSE WE KIWOOM HEROES OVER HERE.

HERO BALL? YES, THAT’S WHAT WE DO — KIWOOM SECURITIES FOR LIFE.

I don’t mind waiting a week, to watch my Kiwoom Heroes dominate the league. If you’re about #Heroball, let me know. This is going to be the best season ever. And once I get the rest of Atlanta on the wave, what could possibly go wrong?